More than a Peck: the Underestimated Role of Kissing in Intimacy

For a long time kissing has had a prevailing role in romantic novels, a centre stage in people’s sexual history when thinking of their ‘first kiss’. Yet, at some point, its significance seems to have faded, reduced to a mere phrase: ‘it’s just a kiss.’ This expression can carry very different meanings for each of us- ranging from love and affection to betrayal and emotional pain.

This demonstrates that kissing it is much more than a simple gesture. In western culture (at least) kissing plays a powerful role in the way we connect with others and foster relationships overtime. Beyond relationship dynamics, it has been demonstrated that kissing has a positive impact on our emotional and physical well-being. It’s known that kissing helps the release of neurotransmitters such as oxycitocin (‘bonding hormone’) and endorphins (‘happiness hormone’) and it affects the brain reward system interacting with our dopamine pathways. It helps reducing cortisol levels, consequently reducing anxiety and stress which often make intimacy challenging.

Why do we need to talk about kissing in sex and relationship?

In my work as a psychosexual and relationship therapist, I often invite couples and individuals to re‑value and re‑discover the kiss in their relationship.

Research shows that kissing helps in assessing the quality of potential partners, maintaining relationship bonds, and enhancing sexual arousal (Wlodarski and Dunbar, 2013). In this context, Busby et al. (2020) explain that kissing in committed relationships serves a dual purpose: it plays an important role in sustaining the attachment bond and also contributes to the quality of the sexual experience.

Kissing is also central to increasing arousal and the likelihood of orgasm. A study by Friederick et al. (2018) found that women- regardless of sexual orientation- were more likely to reach orgasm when their partner kissed them. In particular, heterosexual women reported experiencing more frequent orgasms when their partners kissed them intentionally to enhance sexual arousal (Guo, Ng & Chan, 2004; Spaulding, 2016 in Busby et al., 2020 ). This suggests that, beyond the kiss itself, the deliberate effort to increase a partner’s sexual pleasure is an important factor in women’s sexual satisfaction. In my clinical experience, this is true for most people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

If kissing is important for arousal, research also shows it is a key indicator of relationship satisfaction. In a society where sexual performance and the frequency of sex can feel central to a relationship, Wlodarski and Dunbar (2013) challenge this notion. Their findings showed that the frequency of sex did not influence couples’ perceptions of relationship satisfaction, suggesting that romantic kissing may play a unique role in fostering closeness and emotional connection, beyond more physically arousing sexual activities.

Kiss with intention and presence

You might remember the first kiss with nostalgia; how would you like to remember your last kiss- with warmth? An attentive kiss, without phones between you or while being engaged in other activities, goes a long way. The intention and focus are in the moment; a kiss doesn’t necessarily need to lead somewhere else- it simply is. A mindful kiss can turn a mundane moment into something more.

Use occasions such as parting or reuniting as opportunities to show affection, longing, and attraction. A kiss that meets us emotionally and physically becomes one we naturally want to return to- so let each one be worth coming back for.

Next time you kiss try to notice your partner’s breath, the warmth of their lips, and small cues of comfort; let the kiss unfold naturally, and focus on the here and now rather than rushing.

Savour the Moment

Once you approach a kiss with presence, you can truly savour it. John Gottman invites couples to kiss for 6 seconds- long enough to feel romantic, short enough to not be overwhelming. He explains that 6 seconds is the amount of time it takes our body to release oxytocin. It’s more than a peck; it allows you to take in closeness, notice perhaps your partner’s perfume, gaze into your partner’s eyes and other sensory cues that are important ingredients for both arousal and intimacy.

Kissing, like other forms of tactile input, can be experienced differently depending on sensory processing differences. Positive sensory experiences- where touch feels safe and enjoyable-can strengthen the emotional bond and make intimacy more fulfilling.

If kissing feels overwhelming or isn’t enjoyable try other forms of closeness, like hugging for 20 seconds, holding hands whilst looking in each other eyes. All of these can achieve similar emotional benefits reducing stress and reinforcing connection.

The Importance of Communication

As in most things intimate, communication is vital- spoken or unspoken. A caress during, a lingering smile or a soft ‘that was really nice/ did you enjoy this?’ after kissing, reinforces positive feelings and signals closeness to your partner. Showing appreciation emphasises a shared moment is valuable and pleasurable one, it also encourages the likelihood of repetition. If we action something we like and enjoy, this plays on the reward system of our brain which cues there is a higher chance that the experience is more pleasurable, increases mutual satisfaction, and encourages repeated affectionate interactions. Clear, caring communication about likes and dislikes creates a sense of safety, deepening both emotional and physical intimacy.

Why Kissing Matters Even When Sex Changes or Slows Down

I often say that relationships like individuals evolve and change. They have to weather stressors, health challenges, age and life transitions. All can affect sexual desire and intimacy. In this difficult contexts, kissing is one of the acts that remind us that sex and intimacy starts long before we push open the bedroom door. Kissing remains a simple, accessible and something we can feel sustain in time. Why not making kissing a low-pressure ritual to maintain intimacy and stay connected. Being immersed in a society where performance is the outcome measure, kissing could become the staple of intimacy rituals that reclaim personal meaning and connection beyond measurable achievements. So just kiss, when saying ‘goodbye’, to say ‘thank you’ or showing appreciation, or with no agency at all to no end.

References

D. M. Busby, V. Hanna-Walker & C. E. Leavitt (2020): A kiss is not just a kiss: kissing frequency, sexual quality, attachment, and sexual and relationship satisfaction, Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 38, no. 1, pp. 7-23.

D. A. Frederick, H. K. St John, J. R. Garcia, E. A. Lloyd (2018) Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample, Archives of Sex Behaviour, 47, no 1, pp. 273-288

Wlodarski, R. and Dunbar, R. I. M. (2013) ‘Examining the possible functions of kissing in romantic relationships’, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42, no. 8, pp. 1415–1423.